Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
