I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
