He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
