remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
