I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
