remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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