Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
