I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
