There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
