i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
