hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
