Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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