her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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