I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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