you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
