Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
