we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
