Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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