Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
