Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
