yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
