I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Randomize
