Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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