I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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