THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
