yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
