Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
