So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
