just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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