I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
