Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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