Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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