smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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