we made out on top of his cat.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
