My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
