I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
worst night to have a conscience
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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