I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
