What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
