my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
