There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
