Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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