You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
