He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
