He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
