Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
