Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
