This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
