I think im going to throw up on grandma
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
