my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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