Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
